This post is part of a series called Money Dates, which offers a structured approach for couples to talk about the financial aspects of their relationship.

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If you’ve ever wondered why your partner has such a drastically different relationship than you to money, you can likely thank their early childhood experiences. Dr. Alexandra Solomon calls our childhood homes our “original love classroom” — the territory where we learned how to communicate, love, fight, repair, collaborate, and so much more. The conversation around money can be charged and complex, which is why we want to go underneath the money and find out more about what it represents. In this post, we’ll discuss how the subconscious mind shapes our present-day beliefs around money, and we’ll explore an exercise to unearth these subconscious messages. Bringing these out into the light is key for creating more understanding and collaboration — particularly if the money topic is fraught.

What if we can’t talk about money without fighting?

Talking about money can feel uncomfortable, especially if our parents never showed us what open conversations around finances looked like. Worse yet, if our parents only ever argued or stressed about money.

Whenever we do exercises with our partners, especially around charged topics … we want to be intentional, establish safety, and approach with the goal of creating more connection. Touch base with one another before you begin. What are some ground rules here? Do we need a ‘safe word’ if things get heated? Will we only do each exercise for 20 minutes (phone timers are a pro move!)? What are we each hoping to gain from these exercises? Get on the same page before you dive in.

It’s often not about the money itself — it’s about what money represents.

Money represents resources. Money is access and opportunity. Money means safety, security, and ease. Money means being able to rest and recharge. Money gives us the ability to weather life’s unexpected events. Money is joy and adventure.

Money can also represent fear. Money can be shame. Money can feel like a scarcity, a here-one-moment and gone-the-next phenomenon. Money can feel like disappointment — another “failed” budget, another unexpected setback.

Money & the Subconscious Mind

Many of our ‘money messages’ come long before we are tasked with actually managing our finances. Bruce Lipton, PhD, cell biologist and lecturer, has studied the subconscious mind at length, which he describes as “below consciousness” constituting about 90% of our brain. He explains the difference between the conscious and subconscious mind:

“The conscious mind is the touch screen. The conscious mind is creative. I can imagine things and I can do all these things, but the conscious mind cannot work if there is no program in the subconscious mind. This is why the first part of our lives, from the last trimester of pregnancy through the first 7 years of our lives, our brains are functioning at a lower vibration, as determined by electroencephalograph, or EEG. The brain predominantly operates in a vibration or frequency called theta for the first 7 years. Theta is a frequency lower than consciousness.”

So the significance here is that we absorb many messages during the first 7 years of our lives that create a sort of framework for how we see the world. Thus, it can be helpful to talk with our partners about what the circumstances were like at that time in their lives to understand where many ‘money messages’ come from.

Money Date #1: Unveiling Money Messages

Create a space where there are no distractions. Check in and make sure it’s a good time to chat (relatively low-stress day, no one is cranky, etc.). Bonus points for some good tunes playing in the background. Take a moment to both think back to when you were little — back to 7 and younger.

Take time to journal in response to the following questions:

• In the home(s) you grew up in, what was the financial situation?

• How did your caregivers talk about, or allude to money?

• What evidence did you have that you were financially secure, or insecure, or somewhere in between?

• What did you notice about adult attitudes around money?

Take turns sharing what you each wrote, and be mindful to listen with curiosity as your partner shares their experiences. This could bring up some unexpected emotions and vulnerability. Seek to really understand your partner’s early associations with money. Take turns learning about one another.

Write down the key messages that you both noticed, e.g. Money makes people greedy; Money creates freedom; We had to get by on very little; When we had money, we had to guard it; We didn’t have to think about money … etc.

The above exercise helps to reveal the subconscious beliefs we hold around money. When those messages are negatively-charged and fear-based, this can result in a dysregulated nervous system — aka involuntary symptoms of anxiety, fear, insecurity, frustration, anger, sadness … etc. When our nervous system is activated in this way, it can be challenging to have a calm conversation. So pay attention to the cues coming up in your body as you navigate this exercise. Better yet — try this exercise in the context of couples therapy to ensure there is emotional safety, particularly if this topic is charged in your relationship.

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About the author: Jaclyn Zeal offers couples counseling, marriage counseling, and relationship therapy for individuals, couples and families. Her services are offered in Montgomery County and Chester County — including Phoenixville, Limerick, King of Prussia, Main Line, Trappe, Collegeville, Royersford, Kimberton and surrounding areas. She sees clients in-person and virtually in PA + NJ. Learn more about Jaclyn here.

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