What’s your desire type? How responsive desire works + why it matters for great sex
Desire is most often portrayed in pop culture as two people with an insatiable hunger for one another, often followed by fairly predictable sex scenes — with partners ripping each other’s clothes off and sex that’s over almost as fast as it started. The sex is, more often than not, completely intercourse-focused. This messaging has shaped how we view desire and arousal — and it can make us concerned if our own bodies don’t quite work that way.
I’m here to reassure you that many, MANY people find it extremely difficult to be instantly turned on. And many of these people also happen to be women.
In her fabulous book titled Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski writes that “only about 15% of women have a spontaneous desire style — they want sex out of the blue. Thirty percent experience responsive desire — they want sex only when something pretty erotic is already happening. The rest, about half of the women, experience some combination of the two, depending on context.”
Can we just pause and take that in for a second?! According to Nagoski, only 15% of women routinely experience *instant turn on*! So if you’re reading this and have been wondering why you aren’t craving sex out of nowhere — here’s the evidence that you are absolutely normal. Dr. Lori A. Brotto writes in her excellent book Better Sex Through Mindfulness that the concept of responsive desire “normalizes a woman’s lack of desire at the beginning of a sexual encounter.” Drawing from the work of Dr. Rosemary Basson, who came up with the Circular Sexual Response Cycle (pictured below) — Brotto writes: “beginning from a state of being ‘sexually neutral’ is not only nonpathological but is also probably quite normal for couples in long-term relationships.” While the research shows that more men experience spontaneous desire, men can also experience responsive desire as well.
Dr. Rosemary Basson’s Circular Sexual Response Cycle illustrates how responsive desire works in real-time
Illustration adapted from Better Sex Through Mindfulness.
So I want to really break this down and describe in detail just how responsive desire works — because if you’re someone who experiences this desire type, it is an absolute game-changer! As you can see in the illustration, someone with responsive desire starts in a place of neutrality, kind of a “hmm, maybe? or maybe not, it depends” sort of mindset. From here, if the context feels right and there is “adequate sexual stimuli” then sexual arousal can start to grow. Once there is enough sexual arousal, the sexual desire grows as well. These are the key ingredients for sexual satisfaction.
How to use this knowledge for better sex
Get clear on what “contexts” are the most conducive for being open to a sexual encounter. Some people report that they “can’t have sex in a messy room” or they need to be “freshly showered” or they need to “be sure that the kids can’t hear” (if this last one is you, buy a sound machine!). Think about your contexts — what do you need in order to just relax into the experience?
Identify which “sexual stimuli” are the most exciting to you. Cuddles with your partner? Receiving a massage? Having a deep conversation with them? Making out? Hearing how turned on they are by you? Consider what starts the arousal process for you.
Slooooooooow it down. If your partner has more of the spontaneous desire type, chances are they are used to setting the pace. Which makes sense! They are ready to go, and want you to be also. But you’re not, and that’s okay. Empowered sex is the best sex. So check in with yourself more at the beginning of an encounter, and vocalize what you want/need to get more turned on before things intensify. Practice saying things like “oh, can we stay here a bit longer?” or “I’m still enjoying this right now” or “can we try this other thing first?”
Educate your partner. As you learn about your desire type and its beautiful nuances, share with your partner! This will help them to anticipate the context needs (such as cleaning up the messy room for you!), and to understand how your arousal works so you can both experience maximum pleasure.
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About the author: Jaclyn Zeal is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in helping women and couples develop more embodied, trusting relationships with themselves and each other. Jaclyn has a solo private practice and operates out of a wellness center in Royersford, PA. Learn more about Jaclyn, and her services and fees.