Mastering the art of giving + receiving feedback in your relationship
This topic has been near and dear to my heart, as it has been something I have been working really hard on in my own marriage. If I’m being honest, I have historically been the person quite content with *giving feedback* — but when my partner offered some my way, I would retort with a wall of defensiveness. Of course I wanted him to get better at meeting my needs … but part of me really didn’t want to own up to the ways that I was falling short.
In my work with couples, I have seen again and again how desperately partners want to have their needs met. How they want to feel heard, acknowledged, understood. How they long to have their partner not only listen, but make some important tweaks as a result.
But what can make this quite challenging is that many of us are not fluent in the language of feedback. When our partners request we do something differently, it can feel like an affront to our character.
And that’s because sometimes it is! You’re certainly not alone if you’ve ever waited to dole out feedback until you’re angry and just can’t hold it in anymore. When feedback becomes a fight, or a fight becomes feedback — chances are no positive outcome will prevail. On the flipside, when feedback becomes a routine facet of communication, our relationships have the opportunity to flourish.
If you’ve been struggling with how to incorporate this into your relationship, here are some guidelines:
Sit down, be humble
I’ll admit, this was a hard one for me. I had some serious armor around my ego, and it was uncomfortable to acknowledge that there were ways my husband wanted me to approach him differently — and especially uncomfortable to take ownership of the ways in which I hurt him. But with a lot of practice, I find that humbling myself is actually quite freeing. It means I get to make mistakes, keep learning, and have many opportunities to get it right. It also means that I get to keep becoming a better partner, which is much more gratifying than safeguarding my ego.
Approach feedback like learning a new language together
One of my favorite interventions in my work with couples is to acknowledge that many of these relationship skills are totally foreign at first! Many of us didn’t have great models for excellent communication, so it really is like learning a new language. At first, we may fumble and mispronounce, but eventually we will become fluent. C’est ci bon! It will take some time, but I promise you that learning this new skill is completely worth it.
Start a weekly-check-in so that feedback becomes normal
Ok, so y’all know I LOVE a weekly relationship check-in … so much that I have a whole blog post about designing your own. In the post, suggest each partner ask “how’s your love tank?” followed by “what am I doing well?” and “where can I improve?” This simple exchange is so powerful! I often witness that one member of the couple is much more comfortable giving feedback than the other. So getting into the habit of both giving and receiving feedback helps to level the playing field.
My husband and I have been doing this weekly (ish, we aren’t perfect) for almost two years. When we first started, he would often answer my “how can I improve?” with “hmm, nothing I can think of, you’re doing great.” But that didn’t feel totally right. I knew there were ways I could do better, and I wanted him to feel safe and empowered in the exchange. With time and encouragement, he’s much more comfortable sharing feedback with me. If you find that your partner is reluctant to share feedback, reinforce that it’s safe and that you will stay calm and receptive. You can even help them a wee bit (“well, what about when I was short with you the other morning? I know I can do better about that”).
View feedback as an exquisite key to deepening intimacy
We risk stagnancy, boredom, and distance when we aren’t honest with each other about our needs, desires, and requests. Picture this: we are these wild, beautiful creatures that grow, evolve, change, and explore. But relationships we said “yes” to years ago stay the same — the good times, the fights, all of it. The exchange of feedback allows us to keep growing as a couple, gifted with the sacred honesty of our beloved. Fortunate to have a roadmap of how to embark on an even deeper love.
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About the author: Jaclyn Zeal is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in helping women and couples develop more embodied, trusting relationships with themselves and each other. Jaclyn has a solo private practice and operates out of a wellness center in Royersford, PA. Learn more about Jaclyn, and her services and fees.
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