Reflecting on 3 years of practicing ‘Weekly Check-Ins’ with my husband
Last December, I published a blog post outlining exactly how to design a Weekly Check-In for your relationship. I came up with this idea as an intentional way of keeping my own relationship strong. The practice began soon after we moved in together, it saw us through the engagement phase, into marriage, buying a house, and most recently — we have been continuing the ritual as new parents.
There have been ebbs and flows to our frequency, but I always request that we come back to this practice … because it just means so much to me that we regularly check in on how we are doing as a couple.
In three years, we’ve discovered what keeps this practice interesting (and what doesn’t). We’ve adjusted the questions, and added a new one. So I’m here to give you a new-and-improved Weekly Check-In!
a few guidelines:
Pick a time that makes sense to do weekly. We like Sunday night over dinner. Keep it short and sweet. Our check-ins are usually 15-20 minutes max. Only do the check-in when the tone is mellow, don’t proceed if you’re feeling at odds with each other. If more serious stuff comes up during the check-in, save it for later.
our updated weekly check-in:
This is the format we use. Take what you like, tweak as you wish. Take turns having each partner answer the following questions:
STEP 1, REFLECT ON THE WEEK:
What went well this past week?
What was hard this past week?
STEP 2, EXCHANGE FEEDBACK:
How’s your love tank? (as in, how connected are you feeling to me? are your love language needs being met? We use percentages up to 100%)
The *one specific thing from this week* that I feel I could do better at is …
What *specific thing from this week* did I do well? (to make you feel loved/connected/supported)
What *specific thing from this week* could I have done better? (to make you feel loved/connected/supported)
STEP 3, CREATE TRANSPARENCY:
Briefly discuss: What do we need to get done this week / What’s on your list?
STEP 4, CLOSE WITH GRATITUDE:
What’s one thing we are each grateful for?
*We usually clink glasses and declare “check-in complete!” which you can do too, but is completely optional ;)
WHAT WE’VE LEARNED FROM BEING CONSISTENT WITH THIS PRACTICE:
specificity is key
When you’re answering the same questions every week, it can be tempting to phone it in. To say — I’m great, you’re great, let’s go watch something. But the whole point of checking in is to get real. One thing we’ve realized over the years of doing this practice is that it’s most helpful and engaging if we are VERY SPECIFIC with the feedback piece.
give each other + ourselves the feedback
In addition to enlisting feedback (what can I do better?) from each other, we recently added the prompt of sharing where we want to do better. It’s one thing to hear from our partner how we can improve, but it adds more depth when we can name an area where we want to show up more for our partner.
recognize the sticking points
As you do this exercise over time, you may start to observe the areas where the check-in needs to be adapted. Always feel free to adjust as needed! One of the (ongoing) challenges for us is that … I can tend to get defensive when my husband gives me feedback. Ugh. And it is such a blindspot for me! He’s made me realize that my response can discourage him from giving me feedback, which is not what I want at all! So this is very much an area of growth for me.
start and end with positivity
Our brains love to feel rewarded, and rewards incentivize us to have repeat experiences. That’s why keeping the check-in positive (saving more serious/heavy convos for later), and making sure to start and end the practice with a feel-good focus is key.
showing up feels good
After three years of the check-in, we know the whole sequence by heart. And that feels good. We’ve committed to making this a ritual where we can reflect, get to know each other better, build appreciation, generate honesty — and I can’t wait to see how this practice evolves as our family grows.
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About the author: Jaclyn Zeal is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in a relational approach to individual therapy with women and mothers, as well as couples and marriage counseling.
In her work with clients, Jaclyn takes a unique approach that blends blends a family systems perspective with attachment theory, nervous system regulation & grounding practices.
Jaclyn’s mission is to support women and couples develop more embodied, trusting relationships with themselves and each other. Jaclyn has a solo private practice and is currently accepting new clients. Learn more about Jaclyn, and her FAQs and fees.
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