Tired of feeling bad — how we can repair our relationship to self
Broad Street, Philadelphia
I can vividly remember the moment when I realized that I was my own bully. I had moved back to Philadelphia after my divorce, and I was living alone for the first time in my life. And while it was quiet inside my home, it was loud inside my mind.
The self-judgment tape was playing on repeat, and I suddenly noticed it. I realized — wow, you are so mean to me! This visceral, protective anger started to bubble up, and I thought — enough is enough! That was the moment when I realized my relationship to self was in dire need of repair.
What I would later learn through my training as a therapist is just how VITAL it is to have secure attachments. But what often gets overlooked is developing a secure attachment to self.
security from within
It’s not enough to only work on our external relationships. We are complex beings, and the nature of our relationship to self can set the tone for our other relationships. It is the foundation!
When ruptures (or disconnection) occur with others, we need to repair so we can come back into connection. The same is true for the ruptures that happen within ourselves.
When we don’t do this work, we can become chronically disconnected from ourselves. Chronically disappointed, unsettled, and certainly miles away from being able to trust ourselves.
But the beauty of relationship is that it is not static. It is alive! And at any moment, we can commit to the repair and healing work.
a recipe for change:
The first step is the intention. Decided that enough is enough. Committing to a different type of relationship with ourselves. Identifying the sacredness, the incredible privilege of being in this body for this life.
The second step is developing some strategies for treating ourselves differently (I’m sharing one strategy below). Spend time identifying where you need to make changes. Is it how you talk to yourself? The words you use? Is it how you undermine yourself, or don’t give yourself space to find clarity and instead look to others for direction? Recognize what needs to shift.
The third step is consistency. Once you identify where change needs to occur, and how you’ll approach yourself differently — be diligent! Do these daily. Even if you forget a bunch, and then remember again. Be persistent.
A TOOL FOR GROWING A SECURE ATTACHMENT TO SELF:
When we talk about Attachment Theory — the research-backed theory that humans are wired for connection, and that we need secure bonds in order to feel safe — we acknowledge that every relationship has what we call “ruptures.” Ruptures are moments of disconnection, conflict, hurt, pain, loneliness, disappointment, etc. The goal of secure attachment isn’t to never have ruptures, instead the goal is to be diligent about healing so that connection is restored.
This applies with our relationship to self. Many of us never even considered that our inner relationship needs tending (I know it was a new concept for me). But when we can acknowledge the ruptures and be intentional about healing, we can develop a deep sense of inner safety, calm, and trust.
recognizing the ruptures
Ruptures within the self can look like:
Not holding boundaries around our needs / self-care
People pleasing at the expense of our own truth, limits, integrity
Feeding ourselves in unhealthy ways, such as food, news / content, substances
Numbing our feelings and neglecting our deeper needs
Acting in ways that we aren’t proud of
Not taking time to know, appreciate, understand ourselves
how to repair:
Here is a step-by-step strategy that you can use for healing after you’ve experienced hurt and pain in your relationship to self. Feel free to edit or adjust this to suit your own style.
Acknowledge the underlying emotions — such as hurt, loneliness, shame, feeling abandoned — that we feel as a result of the disconnection from ourselves
Apologize and take responsibility. “I’m sorry I’ve let you down. I don’t like when I make you feel that way.”
Offer support. “I know this has been hard, but I want to make you feel supported and nurtured.”
Place your hands on your heart center: “I commit to being more connected to you now.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jaclyn Zeal is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in helping women and couples develop more embodied, trusting relationships with themselves and each other. Jaclyn has a solo private practice. Learn more about Jaclyn, and her services and fees.
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