Learning the art of listening to ourselves
Our world has gotten louder than ever. Researcher and author Gordon Hempton started a research project in 2005 to locate ‘true silence.’ Of course, what he meant was an absence of human noise — highways, planes, ambulances, refrigerators, etc. In his quest for what he calls “One Square Inch of Silence,” Hempton discovered the Hoh Rainforest of Olympic National Park, which he describes as “one of the most pristine, untouched, and ecologically diverse environments in the United States.” Hempton writes: “by listening to natural silence, we feel connected to the land, to our evolutionary past, and to ourselves.” This ‘silence’ is actually a cacophony of chirps, distant vibrating calls, water’s gentle migration, the bzzzz of a nearby insect — a whole ecosystem teeming with life. (You can listen to Hempton’s recording of the Hoh Rainforest here.)
Listening is connection
When we consider how many sounds compete in our current environment, we’ve unknowingly adapted by developing the skill of tuning out. Hempton’s work encourages us to connect deeply with the ‘silence’ of nature, tuning in to the rhythms of life around us. We can do well to find connection by also listening to our inner worlds.
Some of the biggest complaints we hear from couples in therapy include: “You never listen to me.” “I don’t feel heard.” “I feel misunderstood.” And yet, how often do we take time to listen to ourselves? Make ourselves feel heard? Make ourselves feel understood? To listen with presence is to feel connected. The more we can build this muscle by attuning to our own experiences — thoughts, feelings, emotions, sensations — the more equipped we are to offer the same to those we love.
Listening as a practice
For many of us, we didn’t necessarily feel heard by our parents (who likely didn’t feel heard by their parents, and so on). So while the ache to be heard persists, we may not know where to start. Here is a simple starting place to develop this into a practice:
Sit in a quiet place, either in silence or with gentle music. Place your hand on your heart or your belly, and tune in. Ask “how do you feel?” Reassure yourself that “whatever comes up, I’m here to listen to you.”
Do this without any judgement or attachment to outcome. If feelings arise, be gentle and accepting. Notice if there is resistance or avoidance, and be gentle and accepting of those experiences as well. Notice how feels to be truly heard, and see how this practice also shifts how you listen to those close to you.
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About the author: Jaclyn Zeal offers couples counseling, marriage counseling, and relationship therapy for individuals, couples and families. Her services are offered in Montgomery County and Chester County — including Phoenixville, Limerick, King of Prussia, Main Line, Trappe, Collegeville, Royersford, Kimberton and surrounding areas. She sees clients in-person and virtually in PA + NJ. Learn more about Jaclyn here.
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