Conflict is inevitable — learn the important skill of repair
WHEN CONFLICT LEAVES US FEELING STUCK
Here are some common concerns I’ve heard from clients when it comes to their relationships, post-conflict:
“We both just don’t talk about it, we avoid it and try to move on.”
“It never actually feels resolved, because it feels too hard to talk about it without going right back into a fight.”
“I say I’m sorry, but she tells me that ‘those are just words’ and so I don’t know how to actually feel like she’s forgiven me when I mess up.”
“I tend to be the one apologizing, even when I don’t feel it’s warranted. That’s the only way the conflict ends.”
“I’m the one that holds the grudge, I just have trouble letting it go. I just get closed off.”
The goal of a healthy relationship isn’t to avoid conflict; the goal is to learn how to repair effectively.
In Attachment Theory, when we talk about being securely attached — we recognize that there WILL be ruptures to that attachment. Human relationships are messy. It’s almost a guarantee that we will show up snippy or impatient or brash at times. What’s more important to focus on is how we repair. The repair is where the secure bond gets fortified. When someone loses their cool and then takes responsibility for it, that’s the magic that lets us know we are valued and considered.
WHY CONFLICT IS ACTUALLY A GOOD THING
Conflict is important — it shows that two people are willing to have differing points of view. Conflict is an opportunity to understand one another better. Conflict allows us to be challenged, and how we handle it in our partnerships has lasting effects.
Healthy couples recognize the importance of being relational over being “right.” This requires humility, and a desire to come closer through our disagreements vs. needing the final word.
To be honest, in my first marriage, I prioritized being “right” way too much. I needed the apologies directed my way, but it was very difficult for me to recognize where I made mistakes. Over time, this created an imbalance in the dynamic — a story in the relationship where one person was “always” right and the other person was “always” wrong. That kind of thing is bound to result in resentment. It’s a power dynamic that’s inherently disempowering — because it robbed me of the ability to gain more self-awareness and thwarted our ability to grow as a couple. One person was left feeling like “the problem.”
During my training as a couples therapist, I learned about this concept in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) that really shifted how I perceive conflict. Instead of one person shouldering the blame, in EFT we are taught that neither person is “the problem” — rather, it’s the relational pattern that is problematic. It’s the toxic way the fight escalates, the disrespectful back-and-forth, etc. that is actually the problem that needs solving. So instead of people being labeled as the problem, it gets to be something that partners can actually team up to tackle together.
COMING TOGETHER THROUGH CONFLICT
When I met my current husband, I knew I wanted to be very intentional about how we manage conflict. After our first big fight, I requested we do a forgiveness ritual. I’m just a huge fan of adding structure to how we deepen connection. It looked a little like this:
We were each given a piece of paper and invited to answer the following prompts:
I recognize I made the following mistake(s) that led to conflict:
I will grow from this experience by:
Here’s what I wish you would have done differently:
Here’s how I think we can grow as a couple from this experience:
What else do you need to be able to move on from this?:
After we were finished writing our responses, we took turns sharing. It was powerful. I learned through that exchange that it was not only healing for my husband to hear me humble myself, but that it actually encouraged him to be more open.
Here’s the gold of developing more joint accountability for conflict: deeper respect, intimacy, and playfulness.
Because in MANY cases (but of course not all), we BOTH contributed to the conflict (or perhaps, how it went off the rails). Even if we feel that we were “right” here are some common things that we may have contributed:
Having expectations that weren’t voiced
Thinking our partner should “just know” without communicating
Being dismissive
Trying to talk when the other person was not ready or in the right headspace
Using a critical or harsh tone of voice
These behaviors can tend to “fly under the radar” when our partner is demonstrating more extreme behaviors — such as raising their voice, completely shutting down, slamming a door, using insults, etc.
But when we BOTH take accountability (even if we only contributed in a small way), we restore TRUST and reinforce (or help to build) a secure attachment. We commit to honoring the RELATIONSHIP instead of needing to cling to ego.
WHAT WOULD A FORGIVENESS RITUAL LOOK LIKE FOR YOU?
If you are interested in creating a forgiveness ritual in your relationship, consider the above example as a jumping off point. What questions would be helpful in your situation? What’s the role of humility in your relationship at present — and where could it be increased?
Consider that paradigm shift from being “right” to being “relational.” Being relational means that we move outside of just our ego and recognize that the relationship needs to be nurtured. Is there anything you need to let go of to be more generous in prioritizing the relationship … or do you need more of anything from your partner to feel that?
when to get help
Couples therapy or individual therapy can provide support if you aren’t making progress on your own.
Here are some reasons to consider seeking professional help:
You’re in a newer relationship and you’d like to take a preventative approach with creating good habits
You come from a deeply conflict-avoidant family and you find yourself shutting down automatically
You’ve tried to work on the conflict cycle on your own, and it hasn’t made a difference
Something major has happened in the relationship to breach trust
Conflict has never actually been resolved in your relationship and there is a MASSIVE backlog
You and/or your partner have a background of unaddressed childhood trauma
About the author: Jaclyn Zeal is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in a relational approach to individual therapy with women and mothers, as well as couples and marriage counseling.
In her work with clients, Jaclyn takes a unique approach that blends blends a family systems perspective with attachment theory, nervous system regulation & grounding practices.
Jaclyn’s mission is to support women and couples develop more embodied, trusting relationships with themselves and each other. Jaclyn has a solo private practice and is currently accepting new clients. Learn more about Jaclyn, and her FAQs and fees.
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