Have you tried a ‘Weekly Check-In’ with your partner yet?
The beauty of a Weekly Check-In is that it is extremely versatile, and it helps to build intentionality and awareness in a relationship. As our lives get busier, our intimate partnerships can fall to the back-burner, and are at risk of becoming malnourished. Whether the goal is to create more connection, develop a more egalitarian dynamic when it comes to shared responsibilities, get on the same page about the kids’ activities/projects for the week, build a stronger culture of appreciation … or all of the above, the check-in is a beautiful little tool that can supercharge our relationships.
By practicing a Weekly Check-In, we are demonstrating our commitment to one another. Consistency is one of key ways we experience what’s referred to as a “secure bond” in a relationship — when we feel safe, secure, and connected to our partner. So just by showing up with openness to participate in the Weekly Check-In, we show our partners we are willing to invest in the relationship.
Here are a few guidelines to start designing your own relationship check-in:
Begin with positivity
Check in on what’s meaningful in your particular relationship
Make space for safe feedback
Talk (briefly) about the mundane needs of week ahead
Finish with gratitude
What if my partner is hesitant?
That’s ok! And understandable. Particularly if one partner is less comfortable with confrontation, a check-in might sound intimidating. Let’s level the playing field. Instead of one person being the check-in leader, see if you can sit down and design the check-in together. Make it fun by setting the scene with music, perhaps a beverage and snack! Be sure to incorporate things you both care about (i.e. shared tasks, quality time together, intimacy, etc.).
How can we set ourselves up for success?
Establish a date/time that’s practical for your schedules. Sundays or Mondays tend to be ideal to take inventory of the past week, and to establish some intention for the week ahead. Make the first check-in fairly short — you can use a timer set to 15 or 20 minutes to make it less daunting. If more serious content comes up, save it for later (“can we circle back to that sometime soon when we both have the bandwidth?”). We need to feel that the check-in was a helpful tune-up, and not a scary “we need to talk” and “you’re in trouble” scenario if we want any incentive to keep the practice going.
Consider using a notebook that’s designated for these check-ins. Write down the questions you and your partner have agreed upon, and be open to tweaking them as needed. Take turns being “the leader” week by week, until the questions become second-nature.
What if we fall off track?
That’s actually kind of inevitable. We’re not looking for perfection here. If we forget one week, let’s see if we can get back into the rhythm the following week. If we’re finding that we *just keep forgetting* — maybe there’s some avoidance at play. Let’s reassess the check-in. Did the last one not go so well? Do we need to tweak the questions? Did we pick a time that’s not realistic for us to meet weekly? No shame, just strategy!
A sample Weekly Relationship Check-In:
Here’s a sample check-in as a jumping off point. Take what you like, tweak as you wish. Take turns having each partner answer the following questions:
What went well this past week? (in general, in our relationship)
What was hard this past week? (in general, in our relationship)
How’s your love tank? (as in, are you feeling connected to me? are your love language needs being met?)
What am I doing well? (to make you feel loved/connected)
What can I be doing better? (to make you feel loved/connected)
What do we need to get done this week?
Is there anything I can do to make your life easier this week?
What are we each grateful for? (in general, in our relationship)
Again — make sure to save more serious subject matter for a later date. For example: if physical intimacy has been rather lacking, and one partner is feeling quite hurt/disappointed, make note of it and commit to scheduling a time for a longer conversation. “I hear that that is important to you. Let’s finish the check-in, and figure out a time when we can discuss that topic more in-depth.”
Bring the check-into a close, and notice how you feel. Offer some appreciation to one another for being willing to try something new. Do your best to follow through on what was agreed upon in the check-in (picking up the dog from the vet; making more of an effort to be affectionate, etc.). Et voilà! Adapt the check-in as needed, reassess goals from time to time, and revel in the beautiful act of showing up for each other in this way, week by week.
About the author: Jaclyn Zeal is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in a relational approach to individual therapy with women and mothers, as well as couples and marriage counseling.
In her work with clients, Jaclyn takes a unique approach that blends blends a family systems perspective with attachment theory, nervous system regulation & grounding practices.
Jaclyn’s mission is to support women and couples develop more embodied, trusting relationships with themselves and each other. Jaclyn has a solo private practice and is currently accepting new clients. Learn more about Jaclyn, and her FAQs and fees.
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