Understanding & cultivating a healthy relationship to anger
Many of us are taught that anger = bad. Some families carry on a tradition of hiding away angry feelings. And other families demonstrate anger as a scary, uh oh, go hide, yikes! sort of thing. The way we witness anger in our families growing up becomes coded into our psyche — whether that means we adopt a similar or contrasting relationship to this often villainized emotion.
Instead of repressing our anger, or letting it surface only when we are ready to explode … what if there was another way? What if our anger is an important part of us that gives us vital information?
Cue healthy anger
Anger can be very protective! Consider that your anger is like a mama tiger protecting her young. She wants you to be safe, well-fed and she wants you to feel advocated for. This is a beautiful function of our emotions, and it’s very adaptive.
When we think of anger from this angle — as a protective innerworking that alerts us of danger, springs into action when we need to make a change, signals when we feel violated or mistreated, or simply gives a nudge when our resources are tapped out — we can start to reclaim our anger.
Your anger is sacred
This inner mama tiger loves you fiercely. And reclaiming this part of ourselves requires coming into relationship with this expression of protection and advocacy. I’ll be honest — I had buried my own anger (coming from an avoidant, non-confrontational family) for quite a few years. I didn’t even know that I was allowed to be angry. Sadness came much easier! But one of the reasons I feel that reclaiming our anger is so vitally important is that there is an energetic empowerment to bringing this part of us online. An over-identification with sadness can keep us stuck, paralyzed and risks putting us in danger of a victim-mindset. Anger is accompanied with energy. Think about when you last felt anger: where was it located in your body? Did it feel warm or hot? Did you feel the energy rising in your belly or chest?
When we cultivate a healthy relationship to our anger, we can harness this energy for empowerment, advocacy, and positive action. We can shift from avoiding anger or letting it explode out of us to partnering with it as an agent for change.
How to establish healthy anger
The first step to creating a more healthy relationship with our anger, where the emotion becomes helpful to us, is to recognize how we identify with it. Think: do I dismiss my anger and avoid it? Do I notice that I become passive aggressive when I’m angry? Or does my anger get directed towards other people? When I feel myself getting mad, do I distract myself / avoid those feelings? If I let someone else see my anger, do I ever feel shame? Let’s start by investigating what happens to anger when it pops up.
Next, we want to get curious. How did my parents manage their anger? Was one parent more “angry” than the other? What messages did I learn about angry feelings? What happened when we felt anger directed towards us? Did we ever witness calm anger?
If we have a negative association with anger … let’s establish that IT IS OK TO GET MAD. It’s not okay to treat people or animals badly, or to lash out. But it is valid and necessary to become angry from time to time.
Examples of healthy anger:
Anger can help motivate us to make changes. Example: a phone app you forgot to cancel keeps charging your card. Cue frustration! Let’s take action! The anger can help us to be proactive about canceling the app and protecting our bank accounts ;)
Anger can help us recognize when we aren’t being treated well. Example: your boss tells you that you have to use personal time for your sick day, even though your coworker got to take sick time without question. Cue feelings of unfairness and injustice! Anger provides a clue that … that didn’t feel right and we don’t want to be mistreated. The anger can help us gain the courage to be confrontational (again, in a calm, grounded way. Not from a place of uncontrolled anger/lashing out!)
Anger can help us recognize when our boundaries are being violated. Example: a friend calls you when she needs a shoulder to cry on, but keeps changing the subject when you want to talk about some of your recent struggles. Cue feelings of irritation and hurt! Anger urges us to notice when things are out-of-balance, and when our needs aren’t being met. This anger can help us to recognize where we need to vocalize what we need in our relationships.
Anger can help us recognize when we are overwhelmed or burned out. Example: the company you work for just went through layoffs and they are now severely short-staffed. Your workload has just doubled, and you are snapping at everyone! If we get curious about the anger … we realize that our limits are being violated and we are being asked to do too much. We can then develop a plan for surviving (increasing stress-relief activities, better sleep, etc) for the short term, as well as a long-term plan if things don’t get better.
In each of these examples (which are by no means exhaustive), anger was an important mechanism for creating change.
Practicing a sacred relationship with anger
Gaining self-awareness around our relationship with anger is an important first step. Take time to reflect on how you relate to anger, and the cues that it presents. Next … get clear on what those somatic (body) sensations are that accompany your anger, frustration, irritation, rage, etc. Do you feel hot? Does your heart beat faster? Do you feel a tingly sensation of urgency? Spend time really understanding how anger presents itself in your body.
Let yourself feel anger! One of the first ways I started allowing myself to feel anger was in the car. When someone would cut me off, or do something otherwise frustrating (and I was alone in the car!), I would allow myself a guttural sigh or a scream. Do you have a space you can allow yourself to heave a sigh of annoyance? You’ll be amazed that allowing it to express can absolutely diffuse the anger. In other, more complex circumstances, let yourself journal or go for a walk or run and channel that anger — let it tell you what it needs you to know about your safety and wellbeing.
Thank it and release. A healthy relationship with anger means that we can acknowledge it, learn from it, take action, and let it go. Expressing gratitude for this protective part of us enhances a conscious relationship with it. Releasing anger is often helpful in some kind of physical expression — jumping jacks, dancing, a huge exhale, balling up our fists and releasing, shaking our whole body. Experiment with ways that you can release the anger.
The ugly monster in the closet
Anger becomes an ugly monster in the closet when we stuff it down. When we neglect our anger, we forgo the ability to learn about our limits, how we want to be treated, and when we need to make changes. When anger is forced to go underground, it turns into rage, resentment, and bitterness — aka poison! Let’s work on letting our anger be heard in real-time so it doesn’t have to get LOUD AND SCARY in order for us to hear its message.
The anger isn’t invited to be an alert we that learn from and we keep in-check. Instead, it gains more and more fuel. Especially if we don’t listen to its cues and set the limits that triggered anger in the first place. When we feel repeatedly violated, there is going to be a breaking point. And it is not going to be pretty.
When to get help
Some of us can do this work on our own. If developing a healthy relationship to anger feels completely incomprehensible to you — it may be time to seek out help from a mental health professional. This can be especially helpful if you’ve experienced abuse, trauma, and did not have safe adults to help you through those situations. My recommendation would be to find a clinician who works with somatic (body and nervous system) interventions.
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About the author: Jaclyn Zeal offers couples counseling, marriage counseling, and relationship therapy for individuals, couples and families. Her services are offered in Montgomery County and Chester County — including Phoenixville, Limerick, King of Prussia, Main Line, Trappe, Collegeville, Royersford, Kimberton and surrounding areas. She sees clients in-person and virtually in PA + NJ. Learn more about Jaclyn here.
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