Building intimacy through presence and coregulation
A common complaint I hear from couples in therapy can be described as “not feeling connected.” It’s a feeling of something being missing. And it’s especially common for couples who have been together for a while, having taken on many more roles than the initial stage of ‘lovers.’
This is what I see so often in my work with couples: a deep hunger for connection that goes beyond words, beyond problem-solving, beyond even physical intimacy. What they're yearning for is something our nervous systems are literally wired to seek: coregulation.
Why your nervous system matters in love
Here's what I want you to understand: your nervous system is constantly scanning for safety or threat. It's happening right now as you read this, and it's definitely happening when you're with your partner.
When we feel safe and connected, our nervous system settles into what's called a "ventral vagal state" — we're calm, open, present, and able to genuinely connect. This is where intimacy lives.
But when we're dysregulated — stuck in stress, anxiety, shutdown, or even just the low-grade buzz of constant busyness — we lose access to that capacity for deep presence. We might be physically next to our partner, but our nervous systems are miles away, braced for the next thing on the to-do list or replaying an earlier argument.
The beautiful thing? Our nervous systems don't just regulate independently. They're designed to coregulate with the people we're bonded to.
The magic of coregulation
Coregulation is when two nervous systems sync up and help each other find calm and safety. You've experienced this, even if you didn't have a name for it — think about how a hug from someone you love can shift your entire emotional state, or how your partner's anxiety can sometimes ramp up your own.
In couples therapy, I often describe it this way: we are tuning forks. When one of us finds a steady, grounded frequency, the other can begin to resonate with that same tone.
This isn't about one partner "fixing" the other's emotions. It's about being present enough, safe enough, and open enough that your nervous systems can communicate beneath the level of words. It's your body saying to your partner's body: I'm here. You're safe with me. We're okay.
And here's what makes this so powerful for intimacy — when we coregulate, we're building trust at the most fundamental level. We're showing up not just with our thoughts or our words, but with our whole selves.
The power of nonsexual touch and presence
One of the most common patterns I see in couples is that touch becomes almost exclusively linked to sex. And when that happens, touch itself can become loaded — either a source of pressure or something we avoid altogether.
But our bodies crave touch for its own sake. Nonsexual touch is one of the most direct pathways to coregulation. It tells our nervous system: You're not alone. I'm choosing to be close to you, not because I want something, but because I want YOU.
This kind of touch, combined with true presence — no phones, no distractions, just you and your partner — creates what I call "relational holding space." You're not trying to fix anything or get anywhere. You're just being together.
And that, surprisingly, is where the deepest shifts happen.
Practices for coregulation and intimacy
Here are some embodied practices you can try with your partner. The key is to approach these with curiosity and openness, not as a task to complete. Let your nervous systems guide you.
Touch-Based Practices
Extended Hugs
This isn't your goodbye-at-the-door hug. Set a timer for 2-3 minutes and hold each other. Let yourselves settle. You might notice your breathing sync up, or a softening in your chest. That's coregulation in action. Pay attention to the warmth, the rhythm of your partner's breath, the way your bodies naturally find each other.
Eye Gazing, Knee to Knee
Sit facing each other, knees touching. Set a timer for 3-5 minutes and simply gaze into each other's eyes. This will likely feel uncomfortable at first — that's normal! Our culture doesn't teach us to truly see and be seen. But stay with it. Let the giggles come if they need to. Let the tears come if they need to. This practice builds profound intimacy and helps your nervous systems attune to each other.
Baby Bear Hold
One partner sits with legs open in a wide, grounded stance. The other partner sits between their legs, leaning back so their back is against the first partner's chest. The first partner wraps their arms around the second partner, hands resting on their heart center. Stay here for several minutes, breathing together. The partner behind becomes an anchor of safety, while the partner in front practices receiving and softening. Then switch roles.
Skin-to-Skin Cuddling
When you're ready for bed, try naked snuggling without any expectation that it leads to sex. Skin-to-skin contact has a profound soothing effect on both our physiology and emotions. Let it just be what it is — closeness for the sake of closeness.
Intentional Hand Holding
Not the distracted hand-holding while you're doing something else, but deliberate, present holding. The light pressure stimulates receptors that activate your vagus nerve, signaling your body to lower heart rate, blood pressure, and stress. Sit together and just hold hands for a few minutes, noticing the warmth and connection.
Gentle Face Touching
Remember when you were dating and you'd gently touch your partner's face while looking into their eyes? Bring that back. Let your fingers trace their jawline, brush their cheek, tuck their hair behind their ear. Keep it slow, tender, and authentic.
Simple Touch as Anchor
Throughout your day, practice placing a hand on your partner's shoulder, back, or arm when you're near them. These small moments of contact communicate care and presence, helping both of your nervous systems feel safer and more connected.
Breathwork Practices
Three-Breath Hug
Embrace deeply, placing your palms flat on each other's backs. Together, inhale, pause, and exhale for three full breath cycles. This combines the power of touch with synchronized breathing for deep coregulation.
Back-to-Back Breathing
Sit back to back so you can feel the rise and fall of each other's breath. Start by just noticing your individual rhythms, then gradually sync up — try a four-count inhale and four-count exhale. Stay here for 3-5 minutes. There's something powerful about supporting each other, literally, while breathing together.
Heart-to-Heart Breathing
Sit facing each other. Place your right hand on your partner's heart while they place their left hand over yours on your heart. Close your eyes if that feels right, and begin to synchronize your breath. This practice layers conscious breathing with heart-centered touch.
Breathing with Sound
Add dimension to your synchronized breathing by including sound — a gentle sigh on the exhale, a soft hum, or even trying a simple chanting meditation together. The vibration adds another layer of connection.
Full-Body Connection
Spooning
Whether you're watching TV on the couch or settling into bed, arrange yourselves so your bodies are touching along their full length. Big spoon, little spoon — and don't forget to switch roles. Let yourself feel held, and let yourself practice holding.
Partner Massage
Offer your partner a shoulder, neck, back, or foot massage with absolutely no expectation that it leads anywhere. Set a timer for 10-15 minutes and just focus on their body, their tension points, their pleasure. This is about giving care, pure and simple.
Starting where you are
If these practices feel vulnerable or awkward, that's actually a good sign. It means you're stretching beyond your comfort zone into new territory.
Start small. Maybe it's just 60 seconds of eye contact. Maybe it's one longer hug before bed. What matters isn't perfection — it's the commitment to showing up for each other in a new way.
Remember: intimacy isn't something you achieve. It's something you practice. It's alive, just like your relationship. And every moment is a new opportunity to choose presence, to choose connection, to let your nervous systems remind each other that this is the safest place on earth.
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About the author: Jaclyn Zeal is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in a relational approach to individual therapy with women and mothers, as well as couples and marriage counseling.
In her work with clients, Jaclyn takes a unique approach that blends blends a family systems perspective with attachment theory, nervous system regulation & grounding practices.
Jaclyn’s mission is to support women and couples develop more embodied, trusting relationships with themselves and each other. Jaclyn has a solo private practice and is currently accepting new clients. Learn more about Jaclyn, and her FAQs and fees.
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