Understanding how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) works to heal relationships
When relationships hit rough patches, it’s easy to feel like you're stuck in a cycle of miscommunication, frustration, and emotional distance. You might feel like you’ve tried everything, but the distance between you and your partner only seems to grow. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many couples experience this—and that’s where Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can make a world of difference.
EFT is an approach designed to help couples create stronger emotional bonds and break free from negative patterns that hurt their connection. In this post, we’ll explore how EFT works and why it’s such an effective way to nurture deeper, more loving relationships.
What is EFT?
At its core, Emotionally Focused Therapy is about understanding and responding to each other’s emotional needs. It’s based on the idea that emotions are key to understanding the way we connect with our partners, and when we can tune in to those emotions—both our own and our partner’s—we can strengthen the bond between us.
EFT was developed by Dr. Sue Johnson in the 1980s, and since then, it has helped countless couples find their way back to each other in times of struggle. It’s grounded in attachment theory, which suggests that humans have an innate need for secure emotional connections—especially with those we love most. When couples struggle to meet each other’s emotional needs, disconnection and conflict often follow. EFT helps partners reconnect by exploring these emotions in a safe, supportive environment.
THE EFT PROCESS
A step-by-step guide for how it works
Emotionally Focused Therapy typically unfolds in three stages:
De-escalating Negative Cycles Many couples get stuck in negative patterns—whether it’s arguing over the same issues, feeling unheard, or withdrawing emotionally when things get tense. The first step in EFT is to break these cycles by helping partners understand how their emotions are influencing their behaviors. Often, we react to what we perceive as threats to our emotional security, like feeling rejected or unsupported. EFT helps couples recognize these reactions so they can pause, reflect, and respond in healthier ways.
Shifting Interactions Once negative patterns are identified, EFT helps couples shift the way they interact with each other. Instead of continuing to blame or criticize, they learn to express their emotions in ways that foster empathy and understanding. This might look like a partner sharing, “I feel afraid when you don’t respond to my needs,” rather than reacting with frustration or defensiveness. When partners can open up about their fears, desires, and vulnerabilities, it creates space for compassion and connection.
Consolidating New Patterns of Interaction The final stage of EFT is about reinforcing and solidifying the positive changes that have been made. Couples practice new ways of interacting and supporting each other emotionally. This stage helps couples build the confidence that they can rely on each other for emotional safety, even when challenges arise in the future.
Why does this approach work?
EFT works because it taps into the deep emotional underpinnings of our relationships. When we feel understood and emotionally supported, we’re more likely to be open, loving, and responsive to our partner’s needs. Conversely, when we feel dismissed, criticized, or neglected, it’s easy to shut down or lash out in frustration.
EFT helps couples break out of this cycle by creating a safe emotional space where vulnerability can be expressed without fear of judgment. Partners learn that their feelings matter to each other, and this reassurance can reignite a sense of trust and intimacy.
Another reason EFT is so effective is that it focuses on the relationship—not just individual issues. By strengthening the emotional connection between partners, EFT helps couples tackle challenges together, rather than feeling like they’re on opposing sides. This collaborative approach can help couples develop new skills for managing conflict and fostering mutual respect.
What happens after EFT?
One of the most powerful outcomes of Emotionally Focused Therapy is the lasting change it brings. Couples often experience a deeper sense of emotional security and connection long after therapy ends. With the tools and insights gained during EFT, couples are able to continue growing together, handling future challenges in a healthier and more supportive way.
If you’re feeling disconnected from your partner or stuck in old patterns of arguing or withdrawal, EFT could be the key to finding your way back to each other. By focusing on your emotions and learning how to communicate more effectively, you can create a relationship that feels safe, loving, and emotionally fulfilling.
Remember, emotional intimacy is the foundation of any strong relationship, and with the right support, you and your partner can nurture a connection that stands the test of time. Whether you’re just starting to experience challenges or you’ve been struggling for a while, EFT can help you rediscover the closeness you both desire.
Take the first step
If you think EFT might be right for you and your partner, consider reaching out to a therapist that’s familiar with the EFT framework (like me!). Healing and growth are possible, and sometimes, just a little support can make all the difference in restoring your emotional bond.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Jaclyn Zeal is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in helping women and couples develop more embodied, trusting relationships with themselves and each other. Jaclyn has a solo private practice and operates out of a wellness center in Royersford, PA. Learn more about Jaclyn, and her services and fees.
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