Always + Never: unpacking absolutes in our relationships
I want to begin this post with humility. As with all relationship skill-building, it’s easier said than done. Case and point: mere hours after I had written this blog post (and told my husband about its premise), I used an ‘absolute’ statement towards him. These habits are *hard* to break!
These phrases are extremely common in couple dialogues. You never listen to me. You always complain about me. When this language is habitual in our relationships, it can have lasting effects on how we perceive ourselves and our partners.
Fact versus feeling
The funny thing about absolute statements is that they feel true in the moment, but are often inaccurate. Why? Because we tend to be emotionally flooded when we use them. The Gottmans talk about emotional flooding in their work — the literal pulse-jump past 100 beats per minute that clouds any sensible judgment and leaves us at the mercy of intense emotion. In this intense emotional state, it feels like needs are never getting met. That your partner is always missing the mark. That this won’t ever get resolved, and that’s both a frustrating and deeply lonely experience.
In many cases, you wouldn’t be with your partner if they lived up to these always/never accusations. However, the use of absolutes can also signal something else: habitually unmet requests. When we ask our partner for things — more help with housework, more affection, to put their phone down at dinner — and they don’t make noticeable changes to their behaviors, we can become exasperated by having to ask for things repeatedly.
This exasperation leads to flooding which leads to the always/never narrative. You’re always on your phone during dinner and I’ve asked you so many times… This statement can feel true, even if our partner is actually on their phone roughly 45% of the time at dinner.
How our language shapes perception
Let’s hop into the accused partner’s shoes for a moment: it can feel really unfair and infuriating to be told you’re always or never doing something when you statistically are not!
Being blasted with always/never narratives can be equally frustrating and deeply lonely. This partner can feel misunderstood and overlooked in their efforts. It’s also tempting to fire back with an always/never accusation towards the other partner. And round and round we go.
So in addition to absolutes tending to be inaccurate — they are also damaging to how we perceive both our partners and ourselves.
Behavior change takes time and positive encouragement. We undermine this process when we criticize our partner and accuse them of never doing the thing. We reinforce the message that our needs won’t get met. Likewise, our partner is likely to get the message that they shouldn’t even try, because their efforts will go unnoticed.
Shifting from absolute to accurate
While we can use absolutes for good — you’re always there for me! I never want to imagine life without you! — the purpose of this post is to highlight how using them in a negative context tends to be disastrous to our relationships. So how can we shift from this habit to something more … accurate?
If you want to get serious about eliminating absolutes, it only takes one person to initiate change.
Here are some journaling prompts to try:
First, get honest with yourself. When do you notice that you use absolutes most often? When it comes to emotional needs? Housework? What are the unmet needs that continue to surface?
Is it true that your partner never meets those needs? Or just a portion of the time? Jot down a few examples of when they have followed through. How did you respond or acknowledge their efforts?
On the flip side, when does your partner use absolutes towards you? How has this impacted how you see yourself in the relationship? How does that feel?
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Note: if you truly can’t think of any examples in which your partner has attempted to meet your requests — this is a big red flag and the relationship is in danger. Consider whether this relationship is actually working for you, or if you may need outside professional help.
Try this instead
Let’s grow beyond absolutes. Here are some strategies to try:
Have a conversation with your partner, and let them know you want to release this bad habit and invite them to as well
Use “I statements” instead of the accusatory “you…”
Express vulnerability instead of anger
Notice when you get emotionally flooded (aka danger zone) and try using words like “often”
Acknowledge your partner’s efforts, while letting them know you need more — i.e. “I really appreciate you doing the laundry on Wednesday. I’m still feeling overwhelmed by the other housework and could use your help.”
Talk openly about how the use of absolutes has impacted how you see yourself and your partner, there’s healing opportunities in here
Incorporate a weekly check-in to regularly touch base on needs, and take inventory of what’s going well (very important!!)
Wishing you well on your journey, and as always, don’t wait too long to seek help if you get stuck. Couples therapy is the most efficient and successful when we can catch troubling patterns early on.
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About the author: Jaclyn Zeal is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in helping women and couples develop more embodied, trusting relationships with themselves and each other. Jaclyn has a solo private practice and operates out of a wellness center in Royersford, PA. Learn more about Jaclyn, and her services and fees.
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