Negotiation: the unsung hero of coparenting skills
Long-term relationships require so many more skills than they ever have, because our roles are so varied. And even if we managed the minutia of life quite well before kids — the all-consuming role of parenthood can reveal stress fractures.
The research shows that nearly “70% of couples experience a drop in marriage satisfaction during the first three years of their firstborn child's life.” This can be depicted as a U-curve — relationship satisfaction is higher before kids, and after kids have grown out of their most dependent stages. It’s the long-game. The relationship isn’t the main event, and the focus shifts pretty dramatically.
When I was pregnant with my son, I remember hating that well-documented U-curve. As a couples therapist, of course I had witnessed many couples who struggled through parenthood. The U-curve was even a relief for them — this was normal. But as I stood on the precipice of my own journey into motherhood, I wanted to be an outlier. I wanted it all — satisfying relationship and new baby.
As I write this post, my son is about to turn one. And I couldn’t have imagined just how squeezed I feel (and we feel) for time. I could write a whole post about how different the concept of time feels in general. But I will say, the ability to effectively negotiate (and renegotiate) has kept resentment, conflict, and distance at bay for us. Which has allowed for more appreciation, playfulness, and balance. U-curve be damned.
So today I am sharing my top tips for how to negotiate with your partner, especially in early parenthood.
1) Get used to leveling the playing field
Most relationships develop with certain power dynamics. One person has a more controlling temperament, the other is more passive. Sometimes it’s the financial breadwinner who has more power. It can also be a reflection of attachment style — insecurity and a need for constant reassurance vs distance. Whatever dynamic shows up in your relationship, get it out into the open.
It’s extremely difficult to negotiate when one person feels “above” the other. In order to correct this — start practicing ways to level the playing field, such as practicing giving and receiving feedback, developing a weekly check-in, and creating repair dialogues of joint responsibility. These practices reinforce a sense of mutual respect.
2) Check in with yourself on what you need first, and then arrange a time to discuss with yourself partner
Too often, our needs go unmet until they become a furious rage directed at our partner. And hey, no one is perfect. I have definitely had moments of frustration directed at my husband in this past year. But in order to prevent resentment and distance from growing like an invasive weed — it’s crucial to actually sit down together and discuss what we need.
For us, the biggest negotiation has been around time. Time together, and time for ourselves. And because baby’s schedules and needs change so rapidly, we’ve had to renegotiate every couple of months. What worked well for us was having *set times* that we could expect to have quality time together, and times that we could ensure we had time to do our own thing. In addition, we have times that are less structured (after work or over the weekend), when we negotiate on the fly depending on who is feeling more energized, or exhausted.
3) Develop a generous heart & a culture of appreciation
Many of us can fall into the trap of fairness in marriage and parenthood (a concept that Nate & Kaley Klemp cover beautifully in their book the 80/80 Marriage.) It’s a trap, because fairness is a moving target when it comes to the all-encompassing job of parenthood. We simply can’t each do 50% … life is too messy for that. And when we agree that things must be “fair” — we end up comparing our efforts to our partner’s and developing a transactional dynamic (not very sexy).
Instead, we can do well to be generous with our partner. There are days when I suggest my husband take more time to himself after work, and there are times when he offers to give me a longer break. We’ve also developed a comfort level with negotiating on the fly — my allotted time will be almost up some days and I will ask if he can honor 10 more precious minutes (and he always does).
This ability to be giving to one another has enhanced the appreciation in our relationship. Our time as a family unit is special, but the time we get to ourselves is rejuvenating.
About the author: Jaclyn Zeal is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in a relational approach to individual therapy with women and mothers, as well as couples and marriage counseling.
In her work with clients, Jaclyn takes a unique approach that blends blends a family systems perspective with attachment theory, nervous system regulation & grounding practices.
Jaclyn’s mission is to support women and couples develop more embodied, trusting relationships with themselves and each other. Jaclyn has a solo private practice and is currently accepting new clients. Learn more about Jaclyn, and her FAQs and fees.
Keep Reading
