My partner refuses couples therapy: Now what?
The moment you realize you want help
I hear this all the time from clients: "I want to do couples therapy, but my partner won't go."
There's this moment when you recognize that you need support — that the patterns in your relationship feel too big to tackle alone. Maybe the same fights keep cycling through. Maybe there's distance between you that you can't seem to close. Maybe something happened that you're having trouble moving past.
So you suggest couples therapy. And your partner says no. Or maybe it's more subtle than that — they say "maybe later" or "I don't think we need that" or they just change the subject every time you bring it up.
And suddenly you're left feeling stuck. Because you can't force someone into therapy. You can't drag them there. But you also can't ignore what you're feeling — this deep knowing that something needs to shift.
Why reluctance happens
Before we talk about what to do, I think it's important to understand where reluctance comes from. Because usually, it's not about you or the relationship being "hopeless." More often, reluctance is rooted in:
Fear of being blamed. Many people worry that therapy will turn into a space where they're told everything wrong with them, where they're "the problem" that needs fixing.
Shame about needing help. There's this cultural narrative that needing couples therapy means you've failed somehow. That "good" couples don't need outside help. (This, of course, is completely false — but the shame is real.)
Past negative experiences. Maybe they had a bad experience in therapy before, or they grew up in a family where therapy was stigmatized.
Fear of what might be uncovered. Sometimes people are afraid that if they start really talking, the relationship might end. There's a "don't poke the bear" mentality.
Feeling ambushed. If the suggestion came up during a fight or felt sudden, they might be reacting defensively rather than actually considering it.
Understanding the root of the reluctance can help you approach the conversation differently.
Opening the conversation with curiosity
Instead of pushing or pleading, try approaching your partner with genuine curiosity. The goal isn't to convince them in one conversation — it's to understand what's happening for them and to create space for dialogue.
Here are some prompts that can help open things up:
"What would make it worth it for you to do couples therapy with me?"
This question shifts from "will you go?" to "what would need to be true for this to feel helpful?" Maybe they need to know you're not going to gang up on them with the therapist. Maybe they need to feel heard about their own concerns first. Maybe they need time to process the idea.
"Are there fears that come up when you think about doing this with me?"
This invites vulnerability. It acknowledges that reluctance isn't just stubbornness — there might be real anxiety underneath. When you make space for their fears, you're more likely to actually hear what's going on.
"What do you think would help us right now?"
Sometimes people resist because they don't want to feel like you're dictating the solution. By asking this, you're inviting collaboration. Maybe they have ideas you haven't considered. Or maybe this question helps them realize they don't have another plan — which can open them up to considering therapy.
"I'm bringing this up because I care about us. Can we talk about what's been hard lately?"
Before jumping straight to "we need therapy," it can help to name what's actually happening in the relationship. Focus on specific patterns or feelings rather than broad accusations. "I've noticed we both get really defensive when we try to talk about money" is different than "We're terrible at communicating."
What to avoid
Just as important as what you say is what you avoid. Here are some approaches that tend to backfire:
Don't make ultimatums (unless you truly mean them and are prepared to follow through). Saying "If you don't go to therapy, I'm leaving" when you don't actually mean it erodes trust and makes your partner feel manipulated.
Don't frame it as "you need fixing." If the message they're hearing is "You're broken and therapy will fix you," of course they're going to resist. Frame it as something you're doing together to strengthen the relationship.
Don't bring it up during a fight. When emotions are high, people go into defense mode. They're not in a space to hear you. Wait until you're both calm.
Don't assume one "no" means never. Sometimes people need time to sit with the idea. Plant the seed and give them space to come to it on their own.
When they absolutely won’t go
Okay, so what if you've tried everything and your partner is still a hard no?
Here's what I want you to know: you can still get support. You can still work on the relationship. And you can still grow.
GO TO INDIVIDUAL THERAPY
This is not giving up on couples therapy — it's being proactive about your own wellbeing. In individual therapy, you can:
Process your own feelings about the relationship and the conflict patterns
Develop better strategies for how YOU show up in disagreements
Work on your attachment patterns and how they impact the relationship
Get clarity on what you need and how to communicate it
Explore whether this relationship is actually meeting your needs
Here's the beautiful thing about this: when one person in a relationship starts doing their own work and showing up differently, the entire dynamic can shift. You might find that as you become less reactive or more boundaried or more clear in your communication, your partner responds differently. Sometimes that creates an opening for couples work later.
FOCUS ON WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL
You can't control whether your partner goes to therapy. But you can control how you engage with conflict. You can control your own patterns. You can decide to be more intentional about repair after fights. You can work on your own nervous system regulation so you're not as easily activated.
This isn't about shouldering all the responsibility — it's about recognizing your own agency in the relationship.
KNOW YOUR OWN LIMITS
Individual therapy can also help you get clear on what's actually sustainable for you. Are you willing to stay in the relationship if things don't change? What would need to be different for you to feel okay? What are your non-negotiables?
These aren't easy questions, but they're important ones. And having your own therapist can help you navigate them with more clarity.
The paradigm shift
In my work with couples, I often talk about this shift from being "right" to being "relational." Being relational means that we move outside of just our ego and recognize that the relationship needs to be nurtured.
When your partner is reluctant to start therapy, it's easy to get stuck in being "right" — thinking "I'm the one willing to work on this, they're the one refusing." And maybe that's factually true. But if you stay in that mindset, you'll just breed resentment.
What if instead, you could hold the complexity? You can know that therapy would be helpful AND understand that your partner has real barriers. You can honor your own need for support AND meet your partner where they are with compassion. You can take action for yourself AND leave the door open for them to join later.
This isn't about being a martyr or accepting less than you deserve. It's about recognizing that change is rarely linear, and that sometimes we have to start where we can actually start — not where we wish we could start.
A final thought
If you're the person reading this because your partner won't do couples therapy with you, I want you to know: your desire for support and growth is valid. Your recognition that something needs to shift is not an overreaction.
And also: there are still pathways forward. Even if your partner isn't ready yet. Even if they never get ready. You get to take care of yourself. You get to invest in your own growth. You get to decide what you need and pursue it.
Sometimes the most generous thing we can do for our relationships is to stop waiting for the other person to be ready, and start doing our own work. Because that work — the humility, the self-awareness, the willingness to be vulnerable — that's what actually creates the conditions for real intimacy.
Whether that intimacy happens in this relationship or a future one, you're building something valuable.
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About the author: Jaclyn Zeal is a licensed marriage and family therapist, specializing in a relational approach to individual therapy with women and mothers, as well as couples and marriage counseling.
In her work with clients, Jaclyn takes a unique approach that blends blends a family systems perspective with attachment theory, nervous system regulation & grounding practices.
Jaclyn’s mission is to support women and couples develop more embodied, trusting relationships with themselves and each other. Jaclyn has a solo private practice and is currently accepting new clients. Learn more about Jaclyn, and her FAQs and fees.
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